the impossible

i am actually exploring the possibility of the impossible.

i always land myself with weird concoctions. it makes me wonder sometimes, can i just be normal. being normal to me is just abnormal. unnatural.

what an ordeal

40 hours awake with no sleep. it's been a while since i've done it.

let's hope everything will be fine.

Rest In Peace

my maternal grandmother passed away this morning. i hadn't had a clue of what was going on really until my cousin called me in the afternoon.

mum didn't even called to inform me.. i wonder why... she gave up on me? probably thinking i'm just an unfilial child with no respect for the elders..

my cousin immediately took a bus back from kl.. and here i am sitting at home... sigh~

i haven't been back to baling for years now.. couldn't remember when was the last time i went back nor saw my grandmother. probably 2 or 3 years ago.. i'm such a bastard i suppose.

*ps - need a drink

homeless

guess what...

i forgot to pay my electric bill again. so i'm homeless... taking shelter at a friend's house.

my friend is GREAT. provide me shelter for the night and a tot of whiskey.. whee~~~

the silver lining of my cloud - whiskey.....

a year on

a year has since pass from when i started working. the year just whiz by effortlessly without any significant event. with neither a personal breakthrough nor achievement, i'm still stuck in a bad rut.

am asking myself - why am i still a failure? who shall i consult? what should i do? where changes must take place? how to make things work? when will i break this dry spell?

i tried not to give up but all my efforts had been futile. a person can only take so much rejection and accept so much disappointment.

i'm slowly withering away.

agony caused by YOU

the intensity of this bewildering agony caused by pining for you is beyond comprehension.

how do i make it through this?

i told myself not to miss you. by the end of the day, you're still hogging my mind. smitten by the thoughts from yesterday. bitten by the imagination of tomorrow.

DAMN YOU! Get out of my mind and give me back my sanity.

Meyer's Wedding

today is my sweetheart's wedding. good for her. nothing much to write about really. hah!

typical chinese wedding.. nothing exciting... and was sweating like a pig in my shirt..

on another totally different account, i'm sad.

OMG, highly inappropriate !

upon carrying out a certain investigation, i came to realising what i was thinking is really sick and somewhat rather disgusting. something of what i oppose strongly. oh, what was i thinking?

inappropriate

is it just me or it's quite inappropriate to be receiving a wedding invitation with the bride addressing you "sweetheart"?

haha... well i, for one, know it's nothing. but this might just up some misunderstandings...

at times i just can't believe the misunderstandings that surrounds me. don't get me wrong, i'm used to it. just that it's unbelievable at times. hahaha

stood up

i hate being stood up. all too often. hate it! hate it! HATE IT !!!!! coming to it, i think i'm being stood up at least 3 times a week!!!

i just want a drink.. is that too much to ask?

things don't exist or happens just simply because you believe in them

as much as i like this song, things don't exist or happens just simply because you believe in them.

is this too much to ask for?

it's always about you isn't it? or him, or her, or them... never about me.. i do need some attention! sigh~ i'm not attention seeking, am i? i'm just asking that you, you all, to pay some attention to me sometimes. i may seem like a moral vacuum at times, but it's still not a tight sealed vacuum. i also may look like a devil, but one of my friends clearly pointed out that i'm an UNDERACHIEVING devil. so much for any achievements. HAH !

just appalling. utter disgrace of myself. can't do anything right, can i? ranting on about this isn't going to help anything. it's not going to get the attention that i'm so looking for nor will make things any better. anyway, is it too much to ask? i for one don't think this is too much to ask for.

what more do you want from me?!

weekend - something is bugging me

this weekend was.... hmm... enjoyable and a lil disappointing.

let's start with saturday. was sleeping the whole day until dinner time. had some bad food in butterworth with my honey before coming back to my house for a mini drinking session. with my dear and a difficult lady... she's nice actually. just that she loves to go against me in any way possible.

for sunday, went over to bm for badminton. yes, i went all the way there just for badminton. and food later on. it's somewhat hilarious looking at a pair of husband and wife team up against me and my honey. good laugh. and my shoulder is aching again. damn !

lunch was late. but pretty decent.

took a shower at my friends house and fell asleep until i had to be shooed. tired tired tired.

the disappointing bit - shann shann ffk me for dinner :(

i complained the situation to liet and had a chat.

however, i managed to get a bunch of friends to go dinner with me. well, more of me joining them. had a lot of food. when i say a lot, it's really a lot.

so here i am. about to go to bed. i should be content though something is really bugging me.. tried to shake it off but it just won't go.

pining

how i miss royal china, mitsukoshi, kiku, four seasons, gold mine, japan center, arigato, arang, patisserie valerie, cafe concerto, that corner shop near soas, and the rest. :'(

i want the crispy aromatic duck, ika uni, beef teriyaki, 烧鸭饭，水蒸蛋，gyu don, ox tongue and raw beef, tirasmisu, chocolate mousse, 牛腩饭.... carbonara.. chicken and mushroom pie.. 羊肉串... the list goes on and on...

tapao? anyone?

extra number

i have in my possession and subscription an extra mobile number.. have no idea what to do with it.. it's basically RM30 monthly lying idle. ugh~ wasteful wasteful wasteful

guess what.. i'm applying for jobs all over again. and as usual, it's a bitch. with every additional job applied, my self-esteem drop a lil. it's an inverse relation. marginal in characteristic. another ugh~

i can't help to think currently my 'unhealthy', complex relationships are getting complicated.. slowly it causing quite a bit of confusion and misunderstanding. whilst that, i have to hold my tongue to avoid awkward situation to my real deal. i'm quite confident that the real deal hadn't got the slightest clue on what's goin. and i finally finished my lyric to a song.. a song that's yet to be written. will 'outsource' it to people with the relevant skills. any song that i produce would probably be trash.

comfort

lately, i've caught myself smirking randomly. it's fine when there is nobody around. but it's embarrassing when someone else sees it. i ought to stop. damn..

i'm losing my touches. i can't do what i could no longer. too much fear and too little courage. courage is practically non-existance anymore. i spend my days contemplating without any actual decisions. it's like i can't navigate my life.

the very heart of the problem is disparities between what i want and what i can get. periphery problems are like the worth of such acts and risk appetites. in whichever case, it takes two party to tango or fight.

on the issue regarding my relocation to singapore. hmm... it will takes at least one dramatic reason for me to do that. i've kinda settled in my reasonably comfortable zone in penang. why won't i be?

真的行吗？

没人可以找人，没兵可以练兵，没有势可以造势。真的行吗？

blank

i had to take shelter at a friend's place yesterday. i had a place without electricity for a night. haha...
forgot to pay the bill. came as to no surprise..

i thought i had a lot to write whilst in office. my mind is all blank now. damn...

oh yea.. i'm rooting for sei lui bao to win !

caught with a grin on my face

okay, this i would say is the first time in my life that i've been caught red handed with a grin. i was in the passenger seat of a car, thus thinking nobody would see me grinning.. well, i never grin without a reason and it's rare for me that i'm unable to hold back a smile when i want to. i suppose my facial motor skill failed me for the first time then.
i can't blame it tough.. i must have been on could nine back then. caught in a lil surreal moment.. discovery of a lil shangri la in life..
okay, back to reality - i need food.

if nobody believed in you