the impossible

i am actually exploring the possibility of the impossible.

i always land myself with weird concoctions. it makes me wonder sometimes, can i just be normal. being normal to me is just abnormal. unnatural.

what an ordeal

40 hours awake with no sleep. it's been a while since i've done it.

let's hope everything will be fine.

Rest In Peace

my maternal grandmother passed away this morning. i hadn't had a clue of what was going on really until my cousin called me in the afternoon.

mum didn't even called to inform me.. i wonder why... she gave up on me? probably thinking i'm just an unfilial child with no respect for the elders..

my cousin immediately took a bus back from kl.. and here i am sitting at home... sigh~

i haven't been back to baling for years now.. couldn't remember when was the last time i went back nor saw my grandmother. probably 2 or 3 years ago.. i'm such a bastard i suppose.

*ps - need a drink

homeless

guess what...

i forgot to pay my electric bill again. so i'm homeless... taking shelter at a friend's house.

my friend is GREAT. provide me shelter for the night and a tot of whiskey.. whee~~~

the silver lining of my cloud - whiskey.....

a year on

a year has since pass from when i started working. the year just whiz by effortlessly without any significant event. with neither a personal breakthrough nor achievement, i'm still stuck in a bad rut.

am asking myself - why am i still a failure? who shall i consult? what should i do? where changes must take place? how to make things work? when will i break this dry spell?

i tried not to give up but all my efforts had been futile. a person can only take so much rejection and accept so much disappointment.

i'm slowly withering away.

agony caused by YOU

the intensity of this bewildering agony caused by pining for you is beyond comprehension.

how do i make it through this?

i told myself not to miss you. by the end of the day, you're still hogging my mind. smitten by the thoughts from yesterday. bitten by the imagination of tomorrow.

DAMN YOU! Get out of my mind and give me back my sanity.

Meyer's Wedding

today is my sweetheart's wedding. good for her. nothing much to write about really. hah!

typical chinese wedding.. nothing exciting... and was sweating like a pig in my shirt..

on another totally different account, i'm sad.

OMG, highly inappropriate !

upon carrying out a certain investigation, i came to realising what i was thinking is really sick and somewhat rather disgusting. something of what i oppose strongly. oh, what was i thinking?

inappropriate

is it just me or it's quite inappropriate to be receiving a wedding invitation with the bride addressing you "sweetheart"?

haha... well i, for one, know it's nothing. but this might just up some misunderstandings...

at times i just can't believe the misunderstandings that surrounds me. don't get me wrong, i'm used to it. just that it's unbelievable at times. hahaha

stood up

i hate being stood up. all too often. hate it! hate it! HATE IT !!!!! coming to it, i think i'm being stood up at least 3 times a week!!!

i just want a drink.. is that too much to ask?

things don't exist or happens just simply because you believe in them

as much as i like this song, things don't exist or happens just simply because you believe in them.

is this too much to ask for?

it's always about you isn't it? or him, or her, or them... never about me.. i do need some attention! sigh~ i'm not attention seeking, am i? i'm just asking that you, you all, to pay some attention to me sometimes. i may seem like a moral vacuum at times, but it's still not a tight sealed vacuum. i also may look like a devil, but one of my friends clearly pointed out that i'm an UNDERACHIEVING devil. so much for any achievements. HAH !

just appalling. utter disgrace of myself. can't do anything right, can i? ranting on about this isn't going to help anything. it's not going to get the attention that i'm so looking for nor will make things any better. anyway, is it too much to ask? i for one don't think this is too much to ask for.

what more do you want from me?!

weekend - something is bugging me

this weekend was.... hmm... enjoyable and a lil disappointing.

let's start with saturday. was sleeping the whole day until dinner time. had some bad food in butterworth with my honey before coming back to my house for a mini drinking session. with my dear and a difficult lady... she's nice actually. just that she loves to go against me in any way possible.

for sunday, went over to bm for badminton. yes, i went all the way there just for badminton. and food later on. it's somewhat hilarious looking at a pair of husband and wife team up against me and my honey. good laugh. and my shoulder is aching again. damn !

lunch was late. but pretty decent.

took a shower at my friends house and fell asleep until i had to be shooed. tired tired tired.

the disappointing bit - shann shann ffk me for dinner :(

i complained the situation to liet and had a chat.

however, i managed to get a bunch of friends to go dinner with me. well, more of me joining them. had a lot of food. when i say a lot, it's really a lot.

so here i am. about to go to bed. i should be content though something is really bugging me.. tried to shake it off but it just won't go.

pining

how i miss royal china, mitsukoshi, kiku, four seasons, gold mine, japan center, arigato, arang, patisserie valerie, cafe concerto, that corner shop near soas, and the rest. :'(

i want the crispy aromatic duck, ika uni, beef teriyaki, 烧鸭饭，水蒸蛋，gyu don, ox tongue and raw beef, tirasmisu, chocolate mousse, 牛腩饭.... carbonara.. chicken and mushroom pie.. 羊肉串... the list goes on and on...

tapao? anyone?

extra number

i have in my possession and subscription an extra mobile number.. have no idea what to do with it.. it's basically RM30 monthly lying idle. ugh~ wasteful wasteful wasteful

guess what.. i'm applying for jobs all over again. and as usual, it's a bitch. with every additional job applied, my self-esteem drop a lil. it's an inverse relation. marginal in characteristic. another ugh~

i can't help to think currently my 'unhealthy', complex relationships are getting complicated.. slowly it causing quite a bit of confusion and misunderstanding. whilst that, i have to hold my tongue to avoid awkward situation to my real deal. i'm quite confident that the real deal hadn't got the slightest clue on what's goin. and i finally finished my lyric to a song.. a song that's yet to be written. will 'outsource' it to people with the relevant skills. any song that i produce would probably be trash.

comfort

lately, i've caught myself smirking randomly. it's fine when there is nobody around. but it's embarrassing when someone else sees it. i ought to stop. damn..

i'm losing my touches. i can't do what i could no longer. too much fear and too little courage. courage is practically non-existance anymore. i spend my days contemplating without any actual decisions. it's like i can't navigate my life.

the very heart of the problem is disparities between what i want and what i can get. periphery problems are like the worth of such acts and risk appetites. in whichever case, it takes two party to tango or fight.

on the issue regarding my relocation to singapore. hmm... it will takes at least one dramatic reason for me to do that. i've kinda settled in my reasonably comfortable zone in penang. why won't i be?

真的行吗？

没人可以找人，没兵可以练兵，没有势可以造势。真的行吗？

blank

i had to take shelter at a friend's place yesterday. i had a place without electricity for a night. haha...
forgot to pay the bill. came as to no surprise..

i thought i had a lot to write whilst in office. my mind is all blank now. damn...

oh yea.. i'm rooting for sei lui bao to win !

caught with a grin on my face

okay, this i would say is the first time in my life that i've been caught red handed with a grin. i was in the passenger seat of a car, thus thinking nobody would see me grinning.. well, i never grin without a reason and it's rare for me that i'm unable to hold back a smile when i want to. i suppose my facial motor skill failed me for the first time then.
i can't blame it tough.. i must have been on could nine back then. caught in a lil surreal moment.. discovery of a lil shangri la in life..
okay, back to reality - i need food.

if nobody believed in you

a pathetic excuse of a person

if only you know how much it means to me that you tell me what was going on.. my this one decision is very much dependent on you and it is this very decision that will shape my prospects. i cannot linger around for long as i cannot afford to stand stationary here while everything else is dynamic.. ceteris paribus does not exist in the real world. yet i'm not in the position to demand an answer from you.

my friends said, "stop chasing shadows. they're not healthy." deep down, i know they're right. but some part of me just want to keep on chasing.. in my own defence, for a shadow to appear, there must be a mass that's casting those shadows. the problem is we tend to go after the shadow rather than the mass.. for all that matter, the mass may be a million miles away, in places that is not accessible to one.

on my own account, i realised that all i have now, it's either borrow, stolen, or even donated.. i've never really earned anything in life before. i had things easily available to me. never had to work hard for anything. in spite of that, i assure you that i do know the value of those.. even honestly believe that i understand each and every pain and suffering that i never went through.

regrets? i have none that's made an impact on my life. because i understand that at any given point, none of the circumstances are ever the same. we act on our decisions that we made at that particular time based on those particular circumstances.. we cannot change circumstances any more than the past. so remorse? u're barking up the wrong tree buddy.

much been said but i'm still without a conclusion.

catch me, I'm falling

烦

好久没写中文了。该写写下。。

做人为什么要那么犯贱。救球什么也搞不清楚。。 这样说也不什么对。 该说已经知道了但还是装傻。烦的很。

call me when u get home

This is suppose to be my line.. instead tonight, it's on me.. haha.. was over at butterworth watching Ip Man with a few friends.
wasn't excellent but i didn't sleep through it...

ah.. not in the mood to write anything.. off to watch britain's got talent.. me favour show... one of...

ipoh

day trip to ipoh... originally there were suppose to be the 6 of us. 2 of them bailed on us, though we did manage to find a replacement in the last moment..

not much really for today... not very happening.. we start off from penang at 7am.. two person was late... it came to no surprise that one of them is me. get used to it, i have trouble getting up in the morning. especially like 5-6 morning. be that as it may, we got to ipoh's fook san restaurant at 9am.. the food was not bad... dim sum... not a big fan so i didn't had much. bought 5 lottery tickets from an aggressive lottery ticket seller. my plan was to buy only 3 tickets as usual... this old lady with a walking stick managed to get me to buy 5.. she is good. if only i could get such as aggressive sales person for the shop..

after lunch, we went to buy some local biscuits and off to some cave temple.. we do what we do at temples - pay respect to the deities.. we then stop for the few of them to buy pomelo. bought yim kuk kai and then we head home..
not that exciting really.. nevertheless, good company..

i've been watching csi miami season 8 and csi newyork for the past couple of days.. to be honest, it's a bit too dry but i still watch them... weird...

nothing happening lately...
for all that boredom, i still have a lot hanging from my head :(

unchartered waters

if i'm not mistaken, i did wrote an entry on this title before. the content however is blur to me right now.. couldn't recall...
be that as it may...

i'm back in square one. frantically looking for work again.. by the way, thank you for voting. it made sense to have multiple sarcasm now.. i thought i made up my mind on whether to try find work in sg yesterday. but now, it seems like there might be a change of plan... something pop up today, not a firm offer though, would know the results by end of next week. this would be quite the opportunity that i am looking for all this while... not exactly but quite so.. again, theory of the second best. more of theory of the best out of the worst..
sg - of course i have my reasons in deciding for it.. the reasons are of course not to be revealed here.

i think someone is pissed at me for being so fickle.

i really need to talk to someone..

help!

Steamboat went wrong

i am just so appalled at myself. shame and disgust of myself.. my horrid cooking and terrible choice of wain. the only thing right was the whisky and ice cream.. how could i forgive myself for this disaster? i suppose my friends were nice enough to say the food was "ok"... it's still an atrocious meal. if i wear a restaurant, i won't come back myself.

i did a tomyam soup for steamboat. the soup was over sour with a bitter taste. due to the lime.. and the chilli was, shall we say just for deco?
prawn from tesco was not fresh... other ingredients were fine though... they were from cold storage. i trust the pork was good, chicken was fine, and so on... who says money can't buy satisfaction? hah...
the wain... i thought it was adequate... so did n3.. the others didn't quite agree with the wain. sad~
conclusion, my steamboat was a disaster ! my cooking skill must have diminished significantly since you know when. i can't cook as i used to.. damn...

we did have haagen daz ice cream.. which i think it's agreeable that it's good... after all it's HAAGEN DAZS. had cappuccino truffle and summer berries and cream. obviously the summer berriers and cream aren't meant for me. gold label is always the best choice. you cannot go wrong with it.. trust me.. haha..

end of the day, guess what... i'm drunk. again... i suck.. haha...
when i sober up, n2 was sweet enough to go dinner with me.. she didn't had anything as she was still full and just sat to watch me gobble my food down.

might be seeing a friend off tomorrow morning. i'm not sure whether they were just joking or it will just be awkward if only i turn up to see her off. shall confirm with them in a while..

song playing on my mind

if you could see what i see, feel what i feel...
you just have no idea, do you?

long break

this is my first post after a long time. has it been half a year? i should think so. i know there's the date on the last post but it's just that i'm too lazy to take a look at it. didn't update any post since i started my job and now that i've resigned, hence i'm free.

there's so much to write about that i have nothing to write. irony has be the central theme of my life so far. work sucks so don't really want to talk about that. am unemployed at the moment. with no income but bills to pay, it's tough.
nevertheless, am enjoying a cuppa on a lazy saturday afternoon. though weekends are relatively meaningless when u're unemployed.

recently, some friends of mine are knocking a new idea to look for employment in singapore. personally, i don't fancy singapore that much. in fact, my friends should know my standing position on sg. i guess i might just entertain that idea. for some sakes of not my own. i'm a victim of circumstances. AS calls them cha bo.. hahaha...
parts of me still want to get back to london very much.. it's just this calling from within. i want to get back to canary wharf for some reason. i just love it there.. again owing to circumstances, chances do not look good and time is running out.